Astrobiological Analysis of the Irken Race
by Dr-Lovekill
Summary: My scientific opinion on the biology, evolution, technology, and possible biological history of the Irken race. Given objectively as a scientific report. Enjoy.
1. Preface

-1 THEORETICAL BIOASTRONOMICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL ANALYSIS OF THE IRKEN RACE

_Synapses and disclaimers: As a scientist by trade, I feel that it is my duty to now present my theories and opinions on the anatomy and way of life of the Irken race. I have spent months watching my Invader Zim DVD's with a detached, scientific, objective scrutiny, and plying all of my education in the fields of zoology, cryptozoology, and theoretical astrobiology to create this work. Not for the bored-easy reader who doesn't like technical jargon. But to those in need of the science behind the IZ world, it's a good read! Again, this is a real, expert opinion on the biology, physiology, and technology of the Irken race. I am aware that there is a similar work out there, and to you, the writer, I did not intend any infringement on your ideas, nor did I intend to "rip you off" in any way. I am simply giving my scientific viewpoint on the world of Invader Zim. Also, I do not own Invader Zim or any characters thereof. They are the copyrighted work of Jhonen Vasquez._

**PREFACE**

First off, I'd like to thank some very important men in the fields of astronomy, astrophysics, and astrobiology (Or "bioastronomy", depending on which circle you like to run with.) without whom, this work would not be possible. Hal Clement, for his insights into what extraterrestrial beings might actually be like biologically, and his pioneering work in astrobiology, and demolecularizing the "little green men" mindset prevalent since the 1950's; Dr. D. Kent Cullers for his undying devotion to the SETI program; Bob Lazar, for his published work on an actual alien spacecraft at Nevada's infamous Area 51, a lot of us still believe you, Bob; Professor Stephen Hawking, a rockstar among physicists; and Isaac Asimov, for being one of the greatest minds in astronomy and physics since Galileo and Newton, and for inspiring me to keep watching the skies.

This work is for the rabid Invader Zim fan only. If you love the show so much that you have unanswered questions that eat at you like a cancer, this is the right text to read. If you want to know every science behind every technology used on the show, you'll more than likely finish this feeling very fulfilled. If in fact the questions of Irken biology are driving you bonkers, you are in the right place. If you don't care for the science, and the idea of biochemical reactions inside the digestive system of an extraterrestrial does not peak your interest, then stop reading now. Go enjoy a good Dib and Tak fanfic, there are lots of good ones out there.

"Why is Zim allergic to water?" "How does interstellar travel on the show take 6 months?" "What does a squeedledyspooch do, anyway?" These are some of the myriad of questions the show posed to many viewers, but few answers were given. Don't blame Mr. Vasquez. His job was to entertain, to create a great show. He excelled at both, creating a phenomenon. Sales of IZ merchandise is booming to this day, and the number of fanfictions, websites and blogs dedicated to the show are staggering. But yet, the questions persist. We watch an episode and say, "I wonder what powers that ship." And yet, the answers evade us. Until now...

Using profiles created by the top minds in chemistry and biology as to the chemicals necessary to sustain life, and their abundance on other worlds; analysis of data gathered by NASA probes sent to other planets and deep space; and exhaustive research on biology, astronomy, astrophysics, and theoretical extraterrestrial anatomy; careful scrutiny of the show; my own exhaustive works on astrobiology, and no small thanks to the works of Hal Clement and Bob Lazar, I have unlocked the mysteries surrounding the show. Indeed, by much study, four weeks of work, and some misappropriation of funds (when I should have been researching something else), I have developed a complete analysis of the Irken race including Irken biology, what planet Irk may actually be like, the technology at the disposal of the race, possible diets, mating, and other elements that have remained in the realm of speculation until now.

Though mostly theory, this work is not entirely uneducated guesswork and hypothesis, but has foundations in the most proven of life sciences and physics. Please, if you want to post a review, keep in mind that this is a work of scientific speculation, so be fairly civil. If I completely mess something up, tell me, and I'll correct it. If you think picking apart the show will ruin it for you, please don't read. 


	2. Section 1: External Irken Biology

-1 SECTION 1:

EXTERNAL IRKEN PHISIOLOGY

We all know from the show the basic physical profile of a typical Irken: short by our standards, large head, green skin, a pair of antennae, three-digit hands including opposable thumbs, and large, pupiless eyes which can be red, blue, purple, pink, or several other exotic colors. So, let's start off with the basic question: What classification of organism to place an Irken in? In order to answer this, let's think about what we know about the race. 

HEIGHT

According to the show, the typical Irken stands at approximately the same height as a human child of about twelve years old. This means that to us, they should be an average of four, to four and a half feet in height, and proportionate in their weight to that of an equally tall human of average build. There are exceptions to this rule, though. The show has depicted some Irkens as being slightly taller than the norm for their species. These, due to a height-based hierarchy, usually hold positions similar to what we would consider military officers, and are often seen on the bridge of the Irken armada's flagship, _The Massive_, performing duties as deck officers and communications specialists. 

As stated before, the Irken race is a height-based hierarchy, with the tallest of the race dubbed simply, albeit aptly as "the Tallest". Unlike in most cultures and governments, the Tallest are not elected, nor must they possess any superior knowledge, strength, or leadership qualifications. It seems height is the only factor governing becoming the leader(s). The title of _my Tallest_ is in fact, our equivalent to "my lord" or "my king". The Tallest depicted in the show, Tallest Red, and Tallest Purple, seem to be wearing a sort of biosuit, begging the question of whether or not the Tallest are truly as tall in their original form. 

To get back to the physiology department, however, despite anomalies in height, most Irkens are actually quite small. As impertinent as this may sound, it is actually an important bit of information when determining such things as environment and internal anatomy.

The short stature of most Irkens can possibly mean that the gravity on Irk is greater than it is on Earth. Gravity pulls down at a constant rate, slowing the upward growth of things. If gravity had a little less pull on Earth, we as humans could possibly grow to ten feet in height. Ergo, we can say that planet Irk must possess a gravity field slightly greater than Earth's, meaning that it is probably larger in size.

Perhaps this is not the case, though. Perhaps the Irkens have naturally evolved a short stature, much like higher primates such as orangutans and chimpanzees. Biologically, smaller means less food intake, faster growth rate (usually), and more mobility. It also means a higher population is capable of living in a smaller area without depleting natural resources and overcrowding, a necessity for a race such as the Irkens who seem to seek to invade and colonize every habitable world they find.

ANTENNAE

Antennae are a good place to start when attempting to classify an organism. Note that they are long, black, and seemingly hairless, defeating the theories that they are akin to hair or horn. The antennae are movable, as we've seen in _The Nightmare Begins._ This indicates the antennae are probably joined to the head (and not the skull) by a series of fibrous muscles at their base, which are used to move the antennae, much like the muscles attached to the human eye. The antennae are undoubtedly segmented, as nearly all such appendages in the natural world are. A species doesn't just HAVE antennae, however, and they probably serve as a tactile organ, much like the "feelers" on terrestrial _arthropod _insectoids. There is no doubt that antennae of that size would be chock full of specialized receptor nerves, and would allow for the detection of minute disruptions in the surrounding air, allowing an Irken to detect another presence or movement even in absolute darkness, making them quite efficient hunters.

As seen in a few scenes, when under stress or in a state of fear, an Irken's reaction is to lay the antennae back, against the head. It can be assumed that this is an evolved hereditary response, designed to protect the appendages in the event of danger. It can be assumed that when alert, the antennae would stand erect, much like the ears of members of the felidae and canis families. The lack of visible ears denotes that the antennae probably serve an auditory function as well, picking up vibrations in the air from sounds, which are carried via specialized nerves to organs inside the skull, where the vibrations are interpreted into dialogue or actual audio signals by the brain. In this sense, the antennae serve basically the same function as the human ear, possibly with comparable cochlea and eardrum-like organs attached in the same manner. Because of the sensitivity of antennae over ears, it can be assumed that like insects, Irkens can detect or even hear a wider range of sounds either too high or too low in frequency for human ears to detect.

EYES

Irkens possess large eyes that in males of the specie seem to be more rounded or ovular, while in females, tending to be more horizontally elongated and angular. This possibly aids in the identification of sex among Irkens, as physiologically, males and females appear to be quite similar in most other aspects. 

The most common eye color seems to be red, or shades thereof, even fading into a pastel pink shade. Purple appears to be the next most common eye color, once again varying in hues. Blue eyes can also be noted among some Irkens, though it seems to be more rare, and other colors probably exist, albeit in very rare cases, and may be examples of genetic mutation.

The size and colors of the Irken eye can be taken as indicative of the kind of vision that Irkens possess. Red, blue, purple, these are "colors" of the electromagnetic spectrum, and at that, colors such as infrared and ultraviolet, which the human eye cannot see. Perhaps The Irkens have evolved eyes, which not only detect the "invisible spectrum", but also utilize it for their advantage, being able to see heat generated by a living body or machinery, as well as ultraviolet radiation. 

To evolve such a function, we can deduce that Irk is a planet subjected to far more intense radioactive bombardment from space. If the star Irk orbits is slightly closer to Irk than our sun is from us, or it is a binary star, or even a more massive star, this evolutionary path can be accounted for. Adversely, this trait can also be the result of Irk being subject to _less_ light and solar radiation than Earth, and be evolved as a way for Irkens to have excellent vision on a planet darker than ours. The latter theory would also explain why Irkens are equipped with a far better sense of hearing than humans. 

Having no pupils, Irkens probably are incapable of focusing on a particular object, but probably have a far greater panoramic view than we do. The relative size of the eyes would only increase this field of view, perhaps to a totality of 180 degrees on the horizontal plane. Once again, this would be a boon to a warrior race such as the Irkens, allowing them not only a much greater field of view in battle, but possibly allowing them to see the heat signatures given off by the enemy, much like the sensory organ of the pit vipers, and the genus _crotalus_.

SKIN

Irken skin in a uniform shade of green. Given the fact that Zim seems to be allergic to human food, this has led to the conception of the belief that Irkens are capable of some advanced type of photosynthesis. I personally have my doubts concerning this belief for a number of reasons. 

Photosynthesis relies on specialized cells, as found in the leaves of plants, which act as photoreceptors, basically miniature solar panels. Using energy from the sun, along with other necessary chemicals (ae. chlorophyll, H2O, CO2, etc.), the plants are able to synthesize the energy needed to grow and reproduce. Although photosynthesis could exist in a modified form, using other compounds or chemicals, such as hydrogen, ammonia, or methane combined with solar radiation, I still find this idea rather implausible.

Think of a tree. A tree doesn't need to move, to walk, talk or run, and it has very simple biological functions. And yet, look upon the number of leaves, and therefore, the amount of photosynthetic energy required to complete its simple life needs. A plant requires far less energy than a mobile, sentient organism. This is why animals must intake energy in the form of food, instead of converting it from sunlight. Given the approximation of surface ratio to energy in photosynthesis, a high metabolism creature like an Irken, in order to photosynthesize the energy it needed, would have to have something like thirty times the skin surface they have. And since body mass increases with the amount of skin, it would be impossible, even in an environment laden with solar radiation, to achieve this function. So no, Irkens probably are NOT photosynthetic.

The skin color then, is probably more or less a camouflaging feature evolved over time, on the same lines of a grasshopper or praying mantis, both of which share a very similar color to Irkens. To combat the fact that blood (yes, Irkens have to have blood) has color, which would show through in skin (as it does in ours), and once again, if Irk IS receiving more radiation than Earth, Irkens would have undoubtedly long ago evolved thicker skin than we have. If Irk is farther from its sun than Earth, or has a smaller star than the sun, skin would need less pigment as a protective measure against UV light, in which case, the green skin may actually be due to the fact that Irkens may possess green blood. This would coincide with a later theory I state pertaining to Irkens' possible ability to osmose waste from their skin, in which case blood would not only be used to carry oxygen, but waste as well, explaining the green color.


	3. Section 2: Internal Physiology

-1** SECTION 2:**

** INTERNAL IRKEN PHYSIOLOGY**

ORGANS

Predicting the types of organs and organ systems an alien race would possess would be highly speculative and nearly impossible. Fortunately, however, we know that Irkens have two main organs, which are the brain, and the squeedledyspooch. We also know that Irkens have blood. Using these axioms, I have been able to determine to a reasonable degree how the internal functions of an Irken's body is carried out.

The brain of an Irken is comparable in complexity, function, and makeup to that of a human. As in all animals, the Irken brain is located in the skull, inside a braincase, and is responsible for carrying out not only thought, but also breathing, sight, and all other voluntary and non-voluntary responses in the Irken body. Irkens, however, seem to be able to exist with their brain removed, due to a biomechanical "PAK", which is connected (probably) to the brainstem via nerve-like conduits. The PAK acts as a life support mechanism, as well as a backup database for the individual Irken's memory and personality. Unfortunately, Irkens are highly dependant upon their PAKs, and the removal of one results in the death of that Irken after a period of about ten minutes, my guess from full cardio-pulmonary arrest, and the cessation of all body functions, including probably lastly, brainwaves.

The internal organs of the Irken have evolved into one large organ called the squeedledyspooch. Logically then, the squedledyspooch is responsible for respiration, digestion, circulation, hormone production and waste removal, just to cover the basics. But how can one organ do all of this? Simply put, it cannot. A heart cannot digest nutrients, just as a kidney cannot control blood flow to the body. Though the squeedledyspooch is classified as one organ, it is actually very compartmentalized, with each section performing a specific task In a system such as this, major arteries and tracks of piping designed in our bodies to carry blood, waste, and food between organs and organ systems would be negated, making for actually a simpler, more efficient organism overall.

The nervous system, like the brain, is on par with that of humans. Irkens feel pain, heat and cold in the same manner we do, although they seem to have higher tolerances to heat and cold, probably due to the environment of planet Irk.

Not much can be said about Irken blood or circulation, except that Irkens are warm-blooded creatures. Perhaps it is by their natural design, or maybe their PAKs allow them to be endothermic, but biologically, Irkens would almost HAVE to be warm blooded due to their heat and cold tolerances and their quick, nimble nature. This however, is speculation, and there just isn't enough empirical evidence to back up anyone's theories about the circulatory system of Irkens.

DIGESTION

As we have observed, Irkens have an affinity for snacks, and Zim can eat waffles with no ill effects. Therefore, we can assume that Irkens have an ability to digest food nearly the same way we do. Zim, or no other Irken, for that matter, however has been seen either using or making reference to using a lavatory. As for the question of removal of waste from the body, barring the theory that Irkens do normally secrete waste, but this act simply hasn't been mentioned on the show, I have two possible explanations:

1) It is possible that the Irken body maintains such a high metabolic rate, that 100 of food taken into the body is entirely assimilated, and no waste matter is produced. Though rare, this does occur in the animal kingdom, and does explain Zim's "allergy" to certain processed foods and meats, which could not be digested by a simpler digestive tract, and would, in theory, act as a toxin to the system. In fact, even in humans, vegetable matter is more readily digested by the body, while meat actually "rots" for a while in the digestive tract while the weak acids of our stomach and intestines attempt to break down the tough substances that comprise a delicious porterhouse steak that our system simply wasn't designed for.

2) A plausible theory, yet one I have yet to hear in a fan fiction (clears throat), is that Irkens possibly excrete waste through their skin. Once again, this would account for Zim's inability to digest certain foods. Simpler, grain-based foods (ae, waffles and chips) could be reduced to such a final state during digestion, that what little waste by-products could be osmosed through the dermal layers as a liquid waste.

As stated before, some foods act as a bio-toxin, even as caustic to the body of Irkens. I have explained how some foods could be dangerous to an Irken's system, but what about others? Simple. Irken tissues react violently when exposed to water. So it is a given that foods with moderate water content would act the same as pure water to an Irken. Ice cream, fresh vegetables, and tender steak sounds like a delight to us, but to an Irken, would be the equivalent of a human dining on lye powder and drinking a nice cool glass of nitric acid.

As to why Irkens are "allergic" to water, that will be explained later.


	4. Section 3: Classification

-1 **SECTION 3:**

**THE QUESTION OF PHYLUM**

What then IS an Irken? Mammal? Lizard? Given the empirical evidence surrounding their physiology, I can deduce that although we have no true classification for such a creature, Irkens are more or less related to our insects.

What? I hear gasps. This isn't at all that strange. We are the product of millions of years of evolution that began with the higher primates. If another family of organisms followed a similar line of evolution, which is entirely possible, imagine the result. The Smithsonian Institute has on display a model of what intelligent life would probably look like if it had evolved from reptiles instead of mammals. Aside from the fact that it resembles closely reports of the "chupacabra", it is an eerie reminder of what could have been.

We were once primates, and share many features in common with our ancestors. Irkens, however, seem to have evolved from a specie of insect-like creature, and over time, as the higher brain functions became more advanced, and they began utilizing tools, lost their second set of legs, while the first set evolved into arms with digited hand possessive of thumbs, and the third set became legs, enabling Irkens to stand erect. Read up on the theories of human evolution if you are unfamiliar with the concepts, and this will become quite clear.

All available evidence (antennae, thin wiry bodies, large eyes, higher tolerance to environmental change), points to the conclusion that Irkens are indeed a type of advanced insectoid life form. Spacebugs! Suddenly those Tak+Dib fanfictions don't sound so appealing anymore, huh?

_Note: I discuss evolution here in an objective manner, simply to compare the similarities between humans and our primate cousins as well as the similarities between Irkens and insects. Evolution is still a scientific theory, not a law, and Darwin's works are far from gospel truth. I have a very limited view on evolution myself, and take the side of those who believe that evolution does happen, just not as drastic as some would like to believe. To anyone who has been offended, to you I say: God DID create all things, but he allows them to change as needed in order to survive. There, science and religion CAN get along afterall. _


	5. Section 4: Reproduction

-1 **SECTION 4:**

** REPRODUCTION**

_This section has been omitted from the original text, revised and expanded upon, due to so much interest in theories involving Irken reproduction. It now stands as its own section. _

When discussing the theories surrounding Irken reproduction, it is important to bear in mind that which I have stated previously, which is that Irkens are more akin to insects than any other known life form. Inasmuch, one can deduce that the reproductive organs and mating behaviour of an Irken can likewise be compared to an insect. Now, I have received some criticism to this point. Many out there argue that Irkens cannot be insects. I did not say to a degree of certainty that Irkens _were_ insects, but that _they share many similarities_ with insects, and probably evolved from an insectoid creature. And I also made clear that I classify them in the same _order_ as insects due to the facts that they share so many anatomical features with insects, and that this is the only taxonomic unit relevant enough to group them into. Someone asked me why Irkens have a spine if they are an insect.

Simply, a spine is an evolutionary feature designed to house a more complex spinal cord. If Irkens evolved from insects, they would have needed to evolve a spinal cord, which is better suited for carrying higher amounts of information than a traditional nerve clusters throughout the body found in many invertebrates. Irkens have a brain and a complex nervous system, meaning that they need a large spinal cord, meaning that they need a spine. Now, before we get too nerve-ous…on to reproduction.

From merely watching the show, one can see that there are two distinct sexes of Irken, male and female. Just like humans, male Irkens have a lower voice than their female counterparts, which indicate that Irkens have hormones comparable to estrogen and testosterone, respectively. Female Irkens have a more pronounced curl to their antennae than males, and the eyes of a female Irken are more angular, whereas a male's are more rounded, but this has been stated before. I just wish to settle the debate once and for all that there ARE differences between male and female Irkens.

I have recently been queried about an interesting biological feature that I probably would have otherwise overlooked. That being the lack of breasts on female Irkens. We as a mammalian race take certain features of our own bodies for granted. Mammals are some of the most highly evolved, complex life forms to ever exist. Comparing the mammalian body to that of say a fish would be like comparing a carbureted engine to the latest computer controlled fuel injected sports car engine. To answer this question, we must turn back to my classification of Irkens as (at least a type of) insects. Insects do not nurse their young as mammals do, ergo, they do not have mammary glands. (I beg maturity from the readers at the following): Mammary glands are the structures found near and attached to the nipples of female mammals that produce milk used to feed the organism's young until they are capable of feeding themselves. This feature is found only in mammals, as mammalian young take longer to reach a developmental stage where they become self-reliant than the young of any other classification of organism. Whereas this feature has resulted in a closer bonding between parent and offspring, and the formation of societies among mammals, it is not found among any other life form known to modern science.

As seen in "Parent Teacher Night", Zim was hatched, and then promptly ordered to duty. Upon hatching, he could stand, talk, and exhibited full motor function and awareness of his surroundings. This indicates that Irkens are capable of taking care of themselves from birth, and don't need the presence of a parent Irken to nurture them until maturity. This type of offspring independence is quite commonplace in the insect and arachnid world. There are certain species of spiders whom, once hatched, immediately set upon devouring their mother. Most insects take no part in the lives of their offspring, and once their eggs are laid, they leave to mate again or to die, depending on their specie.

So it's safe to say that if Irken young are capable of taking care of themselves from birth, Irken females do not need mammary glands. If they don't need mammary glands, they don't need larger breasts in which to house them. Question answered. Next!

Another question which resulted in me taking the time to rework this entire section was (here it comes) "How do Irkens reproduce?" I've heard a recent theory that they are hermaphroditic, and can reproduce asexually, and one very intelligent reader suggested that Irkens are diploid, or have two sets of chromosomes, which would explain the shortage of female Irkens. As well thought out as this question is, I'm afraid I have to argue with you, my friend. Many species on Earth are capable of asexual reproduction. In fact, it is a mainstay among the lesser life forms to simply split and reproduce the chromosomes, form two new complete cells, break off, and call it a day. This simply doesn't occur in higher life forms, as the processes needed to carry out such a division would be too complicated. You're no longer talking about replicating a nucleus, a mitochondria and cell walls, but complete tissues and organs.

Some species of flatworms, once divided in half, can form two new identical flatworms. I'm not going to get into this one, but it is believed by me that Irkens, because of their complexity and clearly defined sexuality, do not reproduce in any manner besides that in which all other higher life forms reproduce: sexual reproduction.

Because there are male and female Irkens, I can deduce that each carries half of the chromosomes needed to form a new Irken. By the combining of these chromosome-containing sex cells, one female and one male (I'll leave how THAT may happen to those who enjoy ZATR fics), a new Irken smeet…or rather the zygote that will become a new Irken smeet…is formed.

On the show, it appears that Irkens no longer use mating to produce children. Rather, Irken children, or smeets, are "hatched" from large containers, which probably serve the purpose of artificial wombs. In a nutshell, Irken scientists (no doubt in an attempt to supply large numbers of Irkens for the empire's vast military needs), artificially combine male and female sex cells, probably from screened individuals with desired traits, and allow the smeets to grow in these tubes. Such "smeet farming" procedures would ensure a constant supply of Irkens, and be more productive to such a race than mating.

However, despite these breakthroughs in artificial population control, it can be assumed that Irkens still possess the ability to mate, and even if banned by law, such mating and reproduction probably still does occur among Irkens.


	6. Questions and Answers

-1** QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS**

_I was going to post a new section today, but due to the large number of reviews I've received begging elaboration on certain points, or arguing against statements I have put forth, I have taken it upon myself to dedicate an entire section just to addressing these questions and arguments. Some of these arguments have been resurrected time and time again, and may never be resolved, but I wish to say that these are only my opinions, based on my scientific knowledge, and because this is mostly theory and hypothesis, after this section I will NOT be wasting any more space by addressing some of these questions again._

**Argument 1: Irkens are not insects because they do not have all of the attributes of those organisms belonging to the phylum arthropoda.**

I will say it once more. I stated that Irkens probably evolved from an insect-like organism, and that Irkens are more closely related to insects than any other known life form. They have antennae serving the function of sensory organs, large, pupil-less eyes, clawed hands reminiscent of the claws at the end of an insect's legs, and a simpler organ system than mammals.

As much as many of you would like for Irkens to be more closely related to humans, they ARE NOT MAMMALS. In order to be a mammal, an organism must meet at least most of the following criteria: Possess mammary glands (Irkens do no not), have hair (Irkens do not), give live birth (this much is unknown, even to me, though it appears that they may), and are naturally learning creatures from birth, exhibiting behavioral flexibility (Irkens appear to be at least somewhat robotic in basic behaviour). Mammals also care for their young for long periods after birth, and pass behavioral information to their young. Irkens do not do this. As for warm bloodedness, Irkens are without a doubt warm blooded, but then again, so are birds, and it may be the Irkens' PAKs which allow them to maintain a set body temperature.

Because of the physiology of Irkens, I classify them as a highly evolved representative of the insect family. They may have certain features in common with humans, but they are not as closely related to us as some would like to believe. No offense to those of you who have argued against this point, but it is getting to be like the argument of whether or not dinosaurs evolved into birds.

A note to one of my reviewers: Aa, you are a brilliant mind, and I have not had this much fun and frustration arguing scientific theory with anyone in a long time. You must wear a white coat, or be one of the most well read individuals I have ever met. You have my respect.

**Argument 2: Irkens are sterile (or even aesexual creatures), bred that way for centuries, and are only reproduced synthetically at the time of the show.**

If Irkens are reproduces synthetically, and the same DNA is used to do so, we would expect all Irkens to be similar in appearance, and depending on the level of genetic control, similar in behaviour. Instead, we see Irkens of varying height, weight, sex, eye color, and behaviour. This is indicative of a large genetic background in terms of whatever breeding program may be in place among the Irken race.

And do Irkens have males and females in their race? Let's look to canon for that answer:

"She stole this plan from me!" and "You should have heard the lies she told about you!" -Zim on Tak

Why would Zim refer to Tak as "she" if Irkens were neither male nor female, or bred to no longer know the difference? Case closed, bailiff, bring in the dancing lobsters!

**Argument 3: Is there any canonical evidence that Irkens are insects?**

In Mortos Der Soulstaler, Mortos describes Zim as a "bug-man from outer space".

**Argument 4: I've heard that…**

If you have to start out a statement with "I've heard that…" or "I read somewhere that…", stop and think for a minute. Did you hear this from a reputable source? Did the original person who made the statement have backing in scientific doctrine? Were they someone connected with the creation or production of the show? If not, then how are you so sure that you can trust the statement? It may be a 6th level rumor for all you know. You cannot go on "Someone told me that they heard that…" It's not scientific, it's not logical, and it just makes you part of the rumor machine.

**Argument 5: Blue eyes?**

I have received a couple of questions involving whether or not Irkens can have blue eyes. Well I've heard (don't get too exited, it was from REPUTABLE sources) that former Tallest Miyuki had blue eyes. In fact, rumor or not, this belief has persisted so long, that all available drawings of her depict her with blue eyes, and nearly all references to her describe her as having blue eyes. Because we sadly never got to see the episode "The Trial", due to Nickelodeon's fascist regime, and so may never get to see Mr. Vasquez's vision of Tallest Miyuki brought to life, this is a prime example of how fans can influence canon by will alone. If 9 out of 10 fans agree that a character never shown had blue eyes, it becomes a fact until the day that Jhonen comes down from on high and says she doesn't. So, now that we can all agree that Miyuki had blue eyes, we can say that blue eyes DO occur among Irkens.

At the time of writing this, I have received word from an anonymous reader that A blue-eyed Irken does indeed appear in at least one episode of Invader Zim, as a deck officer on The Massive. I cannot substantiate this claim, but feel free to assist me by scrutinizing every episode in which deck officers appear. I would do so, but I simply don't have the time to do so.

**Argument 6: Irken height**

I actually got a review asking me to back up my statement that the average Irken is the same height as a 12 year old human child. Simply, Dib is supposed to be 12 years old, and it is assumed that all of his classmates are between 11 and 13 as well. Since Zim is nearly the same height as all of the children in Miss Bitters' class, and most Irkens seem to be more or less Zim's height, it is safe to say that Irkens are the same height as a 12 year old human.

On the show, children are drawn far smaller in size than they appear in the real world, Dib and Gaz standing only about waist-high to their father. A real life average for the height of a 12 year old male child is about 5 feet (60"). I would place the average height of Irkens at or near this figure if they existed in real life.

**Argument 7: Irken Skin:**

I was asked what I meant when I stated that Irken skin is a uniform green. I meant that Irkens have a skin that is green in color, and lacking any visible patterns or interruptions in the color. All Irkens also appear to be the same color green, with little variation in skin color per individual, or within the race itself. I exclude scars, wounds or modifications (ae, Tak's cerebral implant), as these are not naturally occurring variations in the skin of an organism.

_I hope that this section clarified any questions that you the readers may have had. If not, please feel free to state any questions or comments in your reviews, or send a PM containing your remarks. I apologize if I may sound crass, but I will no longer be discussing the Irken/insect relationship theory, as it has become rather redundant. Now satisfied that I have thoroughly covered Irken biology, I will now turn my attention to Irken technology. _


	7. Section 5: Planet Irk

-1 SECTION 5: ASTRONOMICAL THEORY PERTAINING TO THE PLANET IRK

_Sorry for the long delay in posting a new section. I've had quite the busy week, getting married, going on a honeymoon, getting baptized, fixing a broken window on my truck…it's fortunate that I am able to be back so soon. But I will not abandon this thesis, nor my readers, so here is the long anticipated section 5. Enjoy._

For life to exist anywhere in the universe, there are several things which must be present. One of which is energy, in the form of a star, a sun. Without this energy, life as we know it would be impossible. It is highly unlikely that life could evolve or exist without it. As I have already stated, Irken physiology points to a planet that receives a great deal of radiation from space.

Next are the building blocks of life, the greatest of which must be (for the sake of argument) either carbon, or silicon. All life forms on earth are carbon-based, and while it makes for an interesting argument that there is a possibility that alien life forms could be silicon-based (and this IS possible), this would be rare in occurrence, and result in a rewrite of everything we know about biology. Thankfully, given that Irkens are so biologically similar to organisms from Earth, and are cellularly similar to humans enough for Zim to worry about Earth germs and foreign DNA fusing to himself as well as Dib, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to write a lengthy thesis on silicon-based organisms, and can conclude that Irkens are carbon-based.

For life to exist, there must be a liquid. According to Hal Clement, noted astronomer and writer about life in space, the most likely candidates are the hydrogen-based molecules of water, methane, ammonia, and hydrogen fluoride. The latter is the least likely to be found on any planet as a liquid, as it reacts with oxygen and hydrogen, and simply produces water and a compound called silicon tetraflouride. (_First Contact: The Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence, 1990 Nal Books)_

We already know that Irkens are violently reactant to water, so H2O is completely discounted as a possibility. We also know from the show that Irkens are air breathers, as we are, and a planet with methane oceans, aside from having to possess a laughably enormous gravitational pull to keep the methane liquid, would have an unstable atmosphere probably composed mostly of hydrogen and methane, in theory making any type of fire, let alone technology impossible (creating the slightest spark could result in dire consequences). The most likely of these four liquids to be the one found on Irk then, is ammonia. Given the right temperature and or pressure, ammonia forms a liquid, is chemically similar to water, and would still allow for oxygen to be present in Irk's atmosphere, as well as the development of carbon-based life forms to be entirely plausible.

Because we're talking about a world where ammonia forms rivers, lakes and oceans, other life would be far different from that found on earth. Because Irk would have to have a stronger gravitational pull than Earth, meaning it would have to be larger, most life would be short, and built near to the ground. Plants would probably consist mainly of wide shrubs, short grasses, and maybe, short, gnarled trees. Because of the intensity of the sunlight reaching them, plants would not need as much chlorophyll to carry out photosynthesis, and so, would probably be very pale by our standards.

The intensity of the sun or suns of Irk would undoubtedly make the planet very hot and dry. It would be mostly grasslands in its temperate zone, a wide band of blistering desert at its equator, and in a thin line between the temperate zones and the polar ice caps, possibly great jungles, tapering into deciduous forests, then tundra in a relatively short distance.

The sun or suns would be so intense, their rays would refract off of Irk's atmosphere, resulting in short, if any, nights. The skies would be red during the long twilights, and possibly through the nights as well.

A question was posed, I believe on one of my forums about how many moons Irk may have. Because it is so likely that Irk is far more massive than the Earth, it is highly possible that Irk has more than one moon. For evidence of this, we look to our own Solar System. Earth has one natural satellite. Mars has two. The larger planets, Jupiter and Saturn, have many moons, and even rings formed by rock and small chunks of ice and other cosmic debris. So if Irk is much bigger than us, its gravitational field probably has the power to support several moons, though three or four would be the maximum amount that could be present orbiting the planet.

We can now imagine Irk: A large planet of hot, dry days, beneath a fierce sky at day, and a red sky of several moons at night. Rolling grasslands for thousands of miles, perhaps broken periodically by lakes of sparkling, but toxic (to us) liquid ammonia, and fetid swamps of strange creatures and reeking ammonia vapor. Such a nice place to live.

_There it is, my scientific opinion on what the planet Irk is like. Now by this point, I know the drill, and I'm prepared for much argument. But I assure you, just like the rest of this work, these theories are based on real world laws and axioms, and appear herein because they are the most logical conclusions. _


	8. Section 6: Technology

-1 SECTION 6:

THE TECHNOLOGY OF THE IRKEN RACE

_Now I begin the section on technology. I'm sure many of you have been waiting for me to get to this subject, so I won't keep you waiting with boring monologue. Enjoy, dear readers._

Ironically, technology is a much easier field to discuss when analyzing an alien race. As strange as this may sound, it is true. Figuring out the possible types of propulsion a spacecraft may have is far easier a quandary than trying to deduce an alien being's digestive tract. The reasoning is simple: If it looks like a computer, processes like a computer, and operates like a computer, it must be a computer. It is easy enough to say "Well, think of this device as something along the lines of a Pentium 4000 processing unit." People can understand this. There are laws of physics governing space travel, laws that cannot be broken, save by the imagination of a good sci-fi writer. These laws make it relatively simple to identify the types of engines, fuels, and techniques space travelers would utilize in their travels.

COMPUTERS

The universal item on a list of technologies an advanced race would have is computers. From simple pocket calculators, to cash registers to the latest Cray supercomputers, our civilization has depended heavily on computers to advance as far as it has. Higher technologies, precise physics, and long distance space travel would all be dependant on computers of some magnitude. We can deduce, merely from watching the show, that Irkens possess computers that are super advanced by our standards, and are capable of artificial intelligence. In one episode, _Tak the Hideous New Girl_, we are introduced to the concept of a "Control Brain". In a later episode, we get to see these devices, as they had reprogrammed Zim in his past to be a food service worker. The Control Brains appear to be large PAKs!

The PAK, a computer itself acts, as I have said before, as a memory database for the Irken it is issued to. These PAKs are marvels of engineering, as they act as a life support system, a secondary brain, and from watching several episodes, even as a sort of high tech Swiss army knife, containing a myriad of weapons and gadgets. I can honestly deduce little about the inner mechanics of a PAK, except for the fact that they are connected to the host Irken's brain via the spinal cord, and are controlled by the Irken through means other than manual controls.

The Control Brains appear to be very highly developed PAKs, no longer dependant upon an Irken, but possibly acting as a collective database for the intelligence and memory of maybe the entire Irken race. Like the queen bee in a hive, the Control Brains would represent the Irken specie as a whole, and be the deciding factor in nearly everything from warfare to finances. Of course, the race would need physical leaders (the Tallest), but the Control Brains would be the "brains behind the brawn" in a civilization such as this.

I'll explain this concept in simpler terms: Imagine an enormous supercomputer with the knowledge and memories of George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt, Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, George Patton, Bill Gates, Andrew Carnegie, and Ulysses S. Grant all downloaded into its CPU. It would be a system composed collectively of what these men would do, think, and say. Now imagine this computer put in control of the decision-making and lawmaking of the United States, with a set of leaders, there only to willingly carry out the orders from this unit. There, now you have the concept of a Control Brain, and Irken government.

Zim's computer, which we have seen many times in his base, is merely just an advanced form of our modern computers, programmed with a voice recognition access protocol. The computer is voice and manually controlled, and has control over all of the functions inside Zim's house/base. The fact that the computer has shown sarcasm and even argued with Zim shows that it is capable of artificial intelligence, almost to the point of being sentient. It can be assumed that all other computers belonging to the Irken Empire are just as advanced, or probably more so.

Computers are also used to control Irken ships, communications, bio-medical functions, and, given the advanced state of Irken technology, probably even things as menial as research, in the sense of replacing books, transportation, education, and training.

SPACE TRAVEL

Space travel is relatively easy if you have untold amounts of time, and no particular destination in mind. Getting from point A to point B in space is trickier, and the concept of getting to a point B millions of light years away in a short period of time is no small feat to the greatest minds physics has to offer. Astrophysicists are constantly talking about how there are 9 dimensions to space travel, and the problems of long distance space travel, as well as the impossibility of approaching light speed in any craft.

Science fiction would have us all believe that interstellar space travel would be as easy as flipping a switch on the console of your Buck Rogers spaceship, and attaining instant light speed. Many scientists, including Albert Einstein have denounced the theory of traveling at light speed. Simply: the faster you go, the slower time passes. The closer you come to obtaining light speed, the more energy is required to go faster. It is an exponential equation that eventual comes down to the fact that once you are traveling at 99.9999999999 percent the speed of light, it would take an almost infinite amount of energy to make the final leap and join the photons. Since it would require such force to propel a body at the speed of light, we can say without a doubt that light speed would be improbable to obtain in any spacecraft. But say for the sake of argument that you _could_ obtain the speed of light. Going at 186,000 miles per second, it would still take over 4.3 years to reach Alpha Centauri, the nearest star to Earth. Travel to other systems could in theory take hundreds, even thousands of years!

But in _The Nightmare Begins, _Zim was able to travel from Planet Conventia to Earth in about 6 months. With light speed out of the equation, how then could his ship expect to cross trillions of trillions of miles in such good time? Even the Cambridge train schedule isn't that expedient. The answer comes out of theoretical physics, the work of Stephen Hawking and the writings of Bob Lazar. Why travel from point A to point B, when you could bring point B to you? Confused yet? Good.

Simply put, take out a dollar bill. Say on one end is the point you are at, and on the other end is the point you're trying to get to. You could just travel the full length of the bill (linear travel through space and time), or you could fold it in half, bringing the points together, then unfold the bill, staying on the point you wanted to reach, and presto, you're there! Now imagine this in space. You dial in your coordinates, engage the hyperspace, actually bend space and time to meet your needs, and before any time has passed at all, you are there. But what could power such an engine?

A race as advanced as the Irkens would have long ago realized the uselessness of fossil fuels. They are finite, un-renewable, release harmful pollutants, and are actually not very efficient means of power, loosing most of their energy as waste. We rely heavily on fuels such as coal and oil due mostly to their abundance (for now at least), politics and the money that can be made off of these substances. Irkens, however, would have long ago found better forms of power for their homes, businesses, and space vehicles. Solar power, nuclear fusion, and electromagnetism are just some of the ways Irkens could efficiently obtain the power they needed.

Solar power would be impossible on a hyperspace ship. It simply wouldn't produce enough energy to power the systems necessary on a vehicle capable of such things. Nuclear fusion is out as well. A ship of this magnitude would require a nuclear reactor of magnificent size, enormous in proportion to the ship itself. What then? Possibly dark matter.

It works like this: A reactor core containing an ultra dense element (115 or higher), which is NOT found on Earth, but could possibly be obtained from neutron stars, would be used to create immeasurable thrust using a process of particle bombing to produce antimatter. When this antimatter or dark matter contacts matter, the opposing particles would react with each other violently, and it would generate an enormous energy reaction, well capable of throwing a ship into hyperspace. This is most likely the type of technology used by Irkens in long distance space travel.

Why then did it take 6 months for Zim to reach Earth? Well, he probably had to leave Irken territory before engaging his ship's powerful dark matter reactor, and no doubt wanted to come out of hyperspace in the general vicinity of Earth, say within a few million miles, just to make sure he got the address right.

WEAPONS

We know from watching Invader Zim that the Irkens have lasers. What is a laser? Okay, if you don't have the slightest clue, and you haven't kept up with modern science at all for the past 40 or so years, let me fill you in.

A laser is simply concentrated light energy. Light particles, called photons, travel in waves, much like sound, only at a different frequency. Like ripples in a pond, however, a great deal of these photons are lost in a line between two points. They have a tendency to spread out as they move forward. A laser counters this by super-concentrating the photons into a single ray or beam, usually through the use of a prism. So at the receiving end, your getting nearly all of the light you started with, ergo, the energy.

As with any energy transmission, a laser can be raised or lowered in frequency to accomplish many things. A low level would give you a fine tool for everything from messing with the neighbor's dog (a laser pointer) to a tactical weapons aiming system. Go higher, and you can (with years of medical classes) perform eye surgery and cauterize wounds. Even higher, and you could cut an M1 Abrams tank in half.

Irkens probably have plasma weapons as well. Plasma is basically pure energy, and if used as a weapon, could be quite effective at devastating entire cities from extremely long distances, as well as ship-to-ship combat. Plasmoid weapons are still very theoretical, so I cannot as of yet get into what would make them work, without being too speculative, and I'm no engineer, so I'll just leave it at that.

As a warrior race, Irkens probably started out with primitive weapons, the same way humans did. At first, like all animals, they no doubt relied on teeth and claw. Then as their brains developed, they began to use sticks and rocks, then spears and clubs, then knives, swords and bows, evolving into crossbows and catapults, cannons, and eventually firearms. We are still stuck on guns, but the Irkens of course have long ago evolved much better weaponry. Our history is ripe with the evolution of weapons. And strangely enough, the oldest and simplest weapons are still used today. Soldiers still carry knives, and a bayonet on a rifle is just a form of spear. Police officers carry batons, which are basically modified sticks.

Even though Irkens utilize lasers and plasma technologies as primary weapons, there is no doubt they still carry and are adept at the use of more primitive devices such as knives and bludgeons. No matter how advanced any military technology becomes, a knife seems to always accompany a soldier into battle. Though many Irken wars would probably be fought with plasma cannons from space, there would most certainly be many tales of brave Irken lieutenants who successfully led their platoons in a charge against a squad of lizard beasts or a swarm of giant space spiders with nothing but their trusty field knives.

_Now you have something that up until now was rare in fanfictions: a detailed scientific overview of Irken technology. I hope that these theories and observations will be of value to writers of future fics, looking to write believable, logical stories, or at least ones with some basis in reality. _


	9. Conclusion

-1 Conclusion

We have revealed through careful scientific scrutiny and the proper application of logic, the mysteries surrounding the Irken race. We have unlocked the secrets of their anatomy, and shed some light on the technology they utilize not only for their military might, but in their everyday lives as well. In doing so, a completely new picture is painted of the Irken: a highly evolved, highly adaptable, highly intelligent warrior. A product of millions of years of evolution from a bug-like organism, and a product of both a technological society and a conquering society as well. We see now before us a noble creature, fast, smart, deadly, but ultimately chained by the technology that helps it to exist. In looking at the Irken, we may be looking into a not so distant future for ourselves.

Zim seems to be the exception to most Irkens in terms of behavior, just as Gir seems to be the exception to most Irken technology. His uniqueness makes him such a loveable character, and also gives us a gauge by which to measure the rest of his race. His incompetence and naivety provides an excellent contrast to the might and well disciplined structure of the rest of the Irken Empire.

But let us now stop viewing Invader Zim as objective scientists. It is a wonderful cartoon, and a work of art in its own right. Jhonen Vasquez is a genius, and few of us can argue that fact. The masterful voice acting, brilliant scripts, loveable characters, and beautifully dark animation have endeared it to us, and though it has been years since Invader Zim's untimely cancellation, I am certain that our love of Invader Zim will last a lifetime, and perhaps it is something that one day we can share with our children and grandchildren.

**Now a special message from the author:**

_They say all good things must come to an end. So it is with this work. I have put much time and much work into this, and I am very happy that so many of you have enjoyed reading it. I hope that this thesis will help many of you with your own works, and maybe inspire a love of science in a few of you. The last couple of months have certainly been filled with many ups and downs for me. I have had my honor questioned, and my mettle proven. I have taken a wife, and I have had to put down a pet. I've experienced the greatest of joys, and sorrows that had me keening from the depths of my soul. I even thought that I would be leaving for good at one point, but a couple of my mates (You know who you are, and I thank you, my friends) helped me through trying times, and here I am. Fire and ice, heaven and hell, and here I am._

_I have grown apart from a dear friend for reasons I could not prevent, and I hope that that person may at some point read this, and know that I still consider you a friend, and that time is a funny sort of thing. Things change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. If you can hang onto hopes for long enough, time will tell the tale. If it takes six months, or even six years to reach a point where you can bring your hopes into fruition, they're still worth holding onto. Ecneitap. It is to you, my friend, that I dedicate this work. _

_ I also dedicate this to my friend Ben, without whom, I'd have probably retired from fan fictions forever; to my favorite cousin (you know who you are), for being there more than most of my immediate family; to my mate Mike, who believes as I do in the future of paranormal science; and lastly, but certainly not least, my wife Liz, who has supported me through all of my endeavors. _

_Thank you all for all of the reviews, advice, and questions I received during the creation of this work. As an author, I would be nothing without my readers. I will do my best to keep giving you more of my works in the coming weeks, and God willing, years. So until next time, I bid you a fond farewell. God bless, and cheerio. _


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